Trials:
My husband & I starting trying to have a baby about a year or so ago. Counting days, checking calendars & being very aware of my body were becoming a part of our daily routine. We had decided that if we still weren't able to have a child by the time I was 35 then we would see a doctor, after all we had only been married a short time. In 2011, my grandmother whom I adored more than anything was diagnosed with ALS also known as Lou Gehrig disease & our family's world turned upside down. You see my grandmother was a woman who at 78 still went shopping alone & was a pretty active retiree. My mother gave up her own life & vowed to care for her along with my grandfather so that she would not have to be put into a convalescence home.
Being the eldest of 4 grandchildren the pressure was on to start a family. I knew how much my mom & Grandmother longed to be grandmas & great-grandmas. But it just wasn't happening for us. Discouragement began to set in & my husband & I started to settle in to the idea of never having children. At times I questioned whether or not I even wanted children. Growing up an only-child, and not having any children in our immediate family made it seem almost an inconvenience for us.
In August, 2012 my Grandmother lost the fight to ALS & went home to be with the Lord. Again, devastation rocked my whole world. But admist the notifying of the family, planning the funeral & preparing for the service there was no time to grieve. Losing my Grandmother placed a bitter taste in my mouth & a root in my heart towards God & others & life. I could no longer acknowledge God as a loving, sovereign, & gracious Father, He was simply a judge & heartless creator. I was done.
Five months after losing my Grandmother I was home alone expecting a short visit from my mother, I was going to help her prepare a snack for her church group. During her visit, while in the kitchen the power suddenly cut out. I quickly calculated in my mind if and when we paid the electricity & after walking outside realized it wasn't just our home, the entire block was pitch black. After assuring I would be alright my mom left for church leaving me & my new doggy Jack to bask in the light of the candles throughout our home.
It wasn't until after she left that the full extent of the problem really set in, you see I had big plans to talk on the phone, watch a movie on my labtop & play some sims, all while waiting for my hubby to finish his 8hour work shift until 12am. Unfortunately all of those activities required electricity. Discouraged I started rumaging around in my purse for my ipod & after finding it decided to hear a podcast message by Cheryl Broderson, I have to say this was the first time in over 5 months I had taken anytime to hear from the Lord, but my hands were tied.
Her message was about spiritual barreness & her reference was 1Samuel on the story of Hannah. I sat there in the dim candlelit room on my bed listening intently as she told of Hannah's plight from sorrow to praising. Ironically, the name Hannah had been on my heart about a week or so before, so this of course grabbed my attention even more, I knew the Lord wanted to speak to me. Hannah was a wife to Elkanah who had not just her as a wife but Penninah as well. Hannah was barren & Penninah was not, this left Hannah with a sense of emptiness & failure of not being able to bare children. One day while in the temple, overwhelmed with sorrow she cried out to the Lord:
"And she [was] in bitterness of soul, and prayed to the LORD and wept in anguish. Then she made a vow and said, "O LORD of hosts, if You will indeed look on the affliction of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your maidservant, but will give Your maidservant a male child, then I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life..." 1Samuel 1:10-11.
Hannah was overwhelmed & in that grief made a vow to the Lord, a vow to give the child back to Him, a vow to return the blessing back to God. As I listened I began to soften my heart towards God & genuinely desired to hear more from Him. My spirit was hungry & craved to sit at His feet & glean from His heart. Cherly spoke of spiritual barreness & how as believers we may experience this in our walks & how important it is to get back to where you first felt the closest to the Lord, whether that be a physical place (retreat area, place of quietness, prayer closet) or a emotional state (time of great grief, sorrow or brokeness) or even a specific marker of scripture your heart was comforted and encouraged with in the past. I began to reminisce of a time where I felt closest to the Lord & that was a time of great sorrow & loss. Isaiah 43 has always brought me great comfort & peace during those times & so I opened my Bible, though it had been closed for over 5 months, as sense of excitement, thirst & delightment ensued me & just like that I found myself once again in the presence of not a heartless creator but a loving & forgiving Shepherd. He had gone back for me
"What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one which is lost until he finds it? 'And when he has found [it], he lays [it] on his shoulders, rejoicing.'" Luke 15:4-5
After that night & spending hours reading the word & praying my spirit felt refreshed & lightened. I was no longer carrying the burden of bitterness, that I was never meant to carry. I began reading every commentary, devotional & book on Hannah I could find in my personal home library which led me to believe the Lord wanted me to accept that I would to have to accept bareness. I started to feel okay with this new reality & after talking & crying with husband about this revelation we were at peace.
However, the Lord was already in the midst of a new plan for us.
I realize literally a couple of weeks later that I had not had my monthly visitor & began to worrying. Exhausted & emotionally drained over every month being filled with excitement then having to realize it wasn't time I didn't want to go any further with my thoughts of hope. After waiting about a month it became apparent that we had to test.
It was a Thursday, exactly 6 months to the day of my Grandmother's death when I tested. My husband was running late for work that day, as we had been running errands, & I wanted him to be there for whatever the result was. After praying & testing I held the stick up & within seconds two lines appeared, I was astonished, speechless & overwhelmed!
God is faithful! And now my husband & I embark on this new season together as one, preparing & trusting for our new little promise.
"And Hannah prayed and said: 'My heart rejoices in the Lord; my horn is exalted in the Lord. I smile at my enemies Because I rejoice in Your salvation. No one is holy like the Lord, for [there is] none besides You, nor [is there] any rock like our God." 1 Samuel 2:1-2
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